Name: Simon Apple Fruit: Orange Birthplace: Bolton, England Age: 26 Occupation: Lead Guitar Temperament: Irrationally violent, then suddenly “huggy.” Dislikes: Nosey wives who don’t know to mind their business, groupies who can’t keep their gobs shut when talking to nosey wives, unlocked doors, green M&Ms Likes: Privacy, unprotected sex with groupies, a good football riot, entomology Favorite Item to Smash: Hotel Mini-Bar Known for his violent mood swings, Simon’s quite likely to hug you one minute and beat you with his shoes the next. But his unpredictability is what’s made him a fan (as well as tabloid) favorite since he arrived onto the scene. The adopted older brother of lead singer Ian, Simon is the only orange in a family of apples. As such, he constantly searches for his place in the world, filling that void with booze, hookers, drugs and occasionally, with his wife, Lerryn Lemon. And if at times he needs to blow off steam by smashing in someone’s windshield with a 9 iron or flicking lit cigarette butts at schoolchildren, well that’s understandable. After all- he IS a rock star! When Simon’s not making headlines, he’s making bestseller lists, as the author of a popular series of mystery novels starring Bertie Quinn, the murder solving chef. Simon’s first novel, “Murder on the Menu” was published to rave reviews and his follow up, “A Second Helping Of Murder” won him an “Edgar” Award for best new mystery. Subsequent novels such as “There’s a Murder in My Soup,” “May I Show You To Your Murder” and “Hello, My Name Is Gary, I’ll Be Your Murderer This Evening” have made Simon Apple a favorite among mystery fans. His latest Bertie Quinn novel, “Apple Pie a la Murder” will be published this spring. Memorable Quote: “No I don’t have a f*cking quote, get the f*ck out of here before I smash your f*cking head in, you f*cking c*nt!”

 

Name: Ian Fruit: Apple Birthplace: Kent, England Age: 24 Occupation: Lead Singer, Bird Lover Temperament: Completely indifferent Dislikes: His fans, success, fame, money, music, Shirley Bassey’s Website (www.shirleybassey.com) Likes: Mum’s Shepherd’s Pie, Rainbows, Shirley Bassey (but not her website) Online Bulletin Boards He’s Banned From: www.shirleybassey.com, www.shirleyfansforever.com, www.surelyshirley.com. It may surprise you to know that Ian Apple could care less about being the most famous rock star in the world. In fact, the more success he achieves, the more miserable he becomes. Despite the fact he’s never had a hard day’s work in his life and has never worn the same pair of socks twice, he often fantasizes about one day working in a factory, and owning a lunch pail. In the meantime however, Ian is condemned to the life of a world famous millionaire, as the lead singer for “The Rotten Fruit.” For it seems that much like Richard Pryor in “Brewster’s Millions,” the harder Ian tries to escape his success- the more it ensnares him. (Editor’s note: The “Brewster’s Millions” analogy was Ian’s, not ours.) Memorable Quote: (From “Bird’s Eye View,” November 1998) “I hate me fans, I wished they’d all piss off and die.” “I’d like to drive a trolley- that’d be really gear, right?”

 

Name: Claude Fruit: Carrot Birthplace: Hampstead Heath Age: 22 Occupation: Guitar Player Temperament: 80% friendly, with a 20% chance of pissy Likes: Making his own techno music, Yamaha home organs, kimonos Dislikes: Comments about his toupee, cheap toupee glue Personal Goal: To launch a line of clothes entitled “Sexy Anytime” that are fantastically sexy for a night out, and yet casual enough to wear to the office Often referred to as “the quietly dangerous one,” Claude Carrot is truly a jack of all trades. In addition to performing with the Rotten Fruit, Claude has also made quite a name for himself in the London club scene, where he jams, mixes and scratches to rave reviews. Spinning under the moniker D.J. Mong, Claude can often be spotted at all night raves and underground clubs, playing hits such as his 78 minute remix of the Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me Baby (in which the actual singing doesn’t come in until minute 62). But he doesn’t stop there: Claude’s also penned not one but two self help books, entitled respectively, “Fight Your Inner Frankenstein” and “I’m In It To Win It!” And win it he does, with music, books and soon, with his supercool, ultrafantastic line of casual clubwear entitled “Sexy Anytime,” which allows for maximum sexyness both on the dance floor AND in the boardroom. Who says being sexy is only for after hours? Not Claude Carrot, that’s for sure! Memorable Quotes: “I want to help the whole world be sexy.” “I think animals have the best lot of us all, ‘coz they’re not all hung about being nude.”

 

Name: Banandar Fruit: Banana Birthplace: Belfast, Ireland Age: 27 Occupation: Rhythm Guitar Player, Ex-I.R.A. Terrorist Temperament: Suspicious, Bitter Dislikes: The latest P.M., peace between England and Ireland, bombs that fail to go off, people asking him if he knows leprechauns Likes: Loud explosions, extremely long fuses, a lack of evidence, and leprechauns Darkest Secret: He was actually born in Kent and educated in an upper-class boys’ private school. But don’t tell anyone. Banandar, rhythm guitar player for The Rotten Fruit, maintains he grew up in poverty and will always live in poverty, despite the fact he made $11 million last year. Paranoid and bitter, he constantly makes threats about impending explosions in the name of his homeland, although close inspection shows that nine out of ten of his pipe bombs are actually filled with candy. Although sometimes deemed a hypocrite for denouncing money as fast as he can spend it, Banandar maintains he’s bringing the system down from within. Memorable Quotes: “I wouldn’t go ‘round the pub at Abbey-on-Kent. Especially at ten after seven. I’m just sayin’” “All this money’s a load of shite. I don’t need any of it. Except maybe to survive. See this solid gold bath tub? It’s all bollocks, I tell you! Bollocks! Could you hand me my money brush?”

 

Name: Linus Fruit: Pineapple Birthplace: Kingston, Jamaica Age: 30 Occupation: Drummer Temperament: Laid back and chemically enhanced Dislikes: Being hassled by the pigs, having to move at all Likes: Jammin’, watching telly, making bongs out of stuff Previous Occupations: Street musician/gay hustler Favorite Mode of Transport: Bicycle As a boy in Kingston, Young Linus dreamed of fame and fortune in the music business. After winning a local talent contest, Linus used the prize money to come to London, where he immediately found work as a gay street hustler. And then, just 16 years later, he struck gold with the success of “The Rotten Fruit!” These days, Linus has left his old life behind, to concentrate entirely on his music. Though he is still in contact with few select clients who purchased “Gold Club Lifetime” memberships. In addition to music and gay hustling, Linus has also made quite a name for himself selling novelty pipes, such as the “wizard” pipe, the “dragon” pipe and the “unicorn” pipe. And he’d like to point out that these pipes should be used ONLY for completely legal tobacco, NOT anything else. Ahem. Memorable Quote: “Hey lads, guess who turned the couch into a bong?” “That cloud looks like Burt Reynolds!”

 

Name: Shaggy Fruit: Coconut Birthplace: Liverpool, England Age: 40 Occupation: Bass player Temperament: Calm, fun loving, clueless Dislikes: Sobering up, being hit in the head with bottles by Simon and Banandar, those pesky statutory rape laws, caller I.D. Likes: Underage groupies, fanciful codpieces, his prized guitar that Jimi Hendrix once took a shit on, mackerel Crowning Achievement: Meeting Benny Hill (before he died) Shaggy, the elder statesman of The Rotten Fruit, reeks of many years of rock and roll, hard partying, and the cheapest liquor available (note: rubbing alcohol will also suffice). Shaggy’s masterful guitar licks and powerful vocal delivery make him a worthy addition to this powerhouse rock band. But his incredible lack of judgment and inability to handle alcohol make him a miracle of modern science. It’s as though the God of Alcoholism and Bad Decisions constantly watches over him. Shaggy creates a “Sodom and Gomorrah” atmosphere backstage, with an endless supply of hard liquor, hard drugs, and cheap, skanky women who will do anything for a taste of fruit juice. Memorable Quote: “I don’t know when you got your medical degree, Dr. Killjoy, but my best sources tell me that venereal warts are not contagious.” “She was a very mature 15, thank you very much.”

 

Name: Lerryn Fruit: Lemon Birthplace: London’s East End Age: 25 Occupation: Tambourine player, Simon’s wife Temperament: Jealous, with a mouth like a sailor. Often pregnant Dislikes: Her bastard husband, her bastard husband’s bandmates Likes: A nice spot of tea and a Woman’s Own, penicillin, a good fag after a good shag Previous Occupation: Rotten Fruit Groupie Secret Dream: To be a Page 3 Girl A right saucy bird, Lerryn joined The Rotten Fruit to keep a close eye on her cheating husband, Simon Apple. The couple’s constant bickering has been the topic of many a tabloid article and Simon’s well-known reputation as a ladies’ man has had Lerryn shaking more than just her tambourine on several occasions. Although she possesses little to no musical talent, Lerryn Lemon will go down in history with all the other great tambourine players that no one’s ever heard of or cares about. Lerryn’s previous claims to fame include appearing as one of “Hill’s Angels” during the 1987-87 season of “Benny Hill” and playing a corpse in the 1976 John Wayne thriller “McClintock!” Memorable Quote: “You f*cking bastard! I can’t f*cking believe you! Don’t tell me you were sucking the poison out of her, you c*nt! You slipped her a length! That bloody whore’s had more pricks in her than a second hand dartboard!”

 

Name: Guy Shapiro Fruit: Fruit Pie (filling type unknown) Birthplace: Great Neck, N.Y. Age: 40 Occupation: Manager Extraordinaire Temperament: Impatient, abusive, insecure and all smiles Dislikes: Waiting for anything, retarded interns, his stupid fucking cell phone that can never get a goddamn signal (who makes these things?), people who can’t be swayed by money Likes: Screaming at people, being obeyed, creative accounting Things he Pretends He Likes: Rugby, British people, the music of The Rotten Fruit Clients Include: The Screaming Peas, Broccoli Spears, Adam Sandwich. Guy Shapiro began his career in the mailroom of a major New York talent agency. Today he’s the manager of several red-hot acts, including everyone’s favorite rock group, The Rotten Fruit. Guy’s flaring temper, blunt use of profanity and love of throwing staplers have made him many enemies, as well as many millions for his clients. He can often be seen screaming into his cell phone, throttling a hotel manager, or apologizing to a constable for a dead hooker found in a client’s hotel room. Though he’d like us to add that that’s happened only once or twice. And uh, they weren’t dead, they were just sleeping. Really soundly. Memorable Quote: “You guys are great, I love you, you’re best. What are your names again?” “I said fish and chips, asshole, these are french fries!” “You know what I hate most about Hitler? He ruined that little moustache look- now no one else can wear one.”